How did I get stuck here? Hell if I know

If I could answer that one, then I’d probably have just as much luck picking the winning power ball numbers and scoring a cool $999 million USD (of course I would share with all 13 of my readers!).

Having been on both sides of the “mind fuck fence” I can only offer this: unless one has been in the middle of the mind fuck from hell, there is no fathoming what it is like, or why it is we stay. Some may be pride, but most (or at least in my case) was self preservation. Yes, many where the times when I had wished death rather than to be trapped for one more minute, but the subconscious brain is a funny animal, and *usually* tries to find a way to survive if at all possible.  As for myself, I did my fair share of placating, trying to smooth things over, accepting the blame for why life was shitty for my ex (i.e. his life would be perfect if I weighed 85 pounds, if my hair didn’t frizz, if I rolled over and played dead on demand, or whatever other ideas he had that pointed to his shitty life being my fault). The hardest thing for me to learn is that my best was never good enough, it never *would* be good enough, and his hatred of me was actually projection of hatred of traits he saw in himself. Too bad it took me 30 years to figure that out – that – and I realized I married a clone of my mother, minus tits and ass.  I wish I could credit myself with the insight on that one, but even after spending years in contemplation, and thousands of dollars on therapy, it was my late Aunt Ginny who pointed out to me: “You didn’t just marry some random sociopath, you married [a male version of] your mom.” What should have been so obvious to me bowled me over and sent my world reeling, and not for the first time.

I’ve gone into short detail of how I became a sitting duck for the abuse in my first marriage, and how I was knocked sideways when I went into nursing school, so on to part 3: Where I was, and where I hope none of you ever wind up first hand, because it is a frightening, damaging place that I’m not sure one can ever truly get past – if my therapist is correct.

Where would you rather be?
Anywhere but here
When will the time be right?
Anytime but now

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