Like a spiral sea
Sound and fury
Drown my heart
Is torn apart…
Cygnus X-1, Book One: The Voyage, Part Three – A Farewell To Kings
Being in the midst of “episodes” I have from time to time feel a lot like this, and it’s really rough when sleep will not come and the brain refuses to be still. It’s rougher still, for those who can only look on and watch as I talk non-stop, my mind racing faster and faster with no way to slow it. Things are usually manageable as long as I keep to a regular schedule, eat properly, sleep, and take my meds, but there are times…so many times.
Being one of the unlucky ones who struggle with not only Bipolar II disorder, but also Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, things can get quite interesting when I run across a mental landmine and get triggered. The PTSD will always, without fail, cause me to swing into a period of hypomania, and it may last for several weeks before I finally come back down to what is “normal” for me. Some say they are most creative in a manic or hypomanic state, but all it does to me is make me really irritable and angry, it causes me to go into fits of rage, and isn’t much fun at all. When I’m not angry, it makes me overly-talkative and tend to fixate on one thing or another and not let that thing go. I’d be willing to trade for the happy, bouncing off the walls kind – maybe. I hear those can be just as destructive, but it sounds like more fun than lashing out at others. Both are equally bad, I suppose.
After having been triggered a few weeks ago, my brain is finally starting to slow somewhat, and hopefully the current episode will be done in a few more days, until the next time. Sometimes it is years in between episodes, but there will be more episodes. There always are. All I can do is try to navigate possible minefields, stay away from things I know will knock me off balance, and brace myself for the next time. I live in constant dread *of* that next time, for one never knows when it will come. But come, it most surely will, at a time when I am least prepared for, or expecting it.